Here. And I don’t mean in the context of this “word press” space. “I will worship You (God) Here” means in the context of where I am at in this journey I have been gifted to have. Often, that reference isn’t backed up by action unfortunately in my life.
After screaming at my kids, calling my husband more times than I would like to confess, (who I should note has been working O.T. to provide for us) frantically wiping pink eye from my eye and my 4-year-old, washing my hands until they crack and bleed, (to prevent spreading…that obviously didn’t work) I enter the shower. Crying. Having a pity party over my awful circumstances. Oh, and how I am mad that I prepared a ham for a party that I was unable to attend because of the sickness that infiltrated my home because I failed at disinfecting. Can I paint a clearer picture? Probably. Because I only have about thirty more minutes until I have to surrender my time back to my offspring. (nap time)
I felt God in my heart speak “My grace is enough”. (see 2 Corinthians 2:9) and in my mind I went from pity-party Stephanie to feeling guilty for every act I committed that day. Then, a downward spiral of thoughts like…
1.) You are not a praiseworthy wife/mother (see Proverbs 31..*eyerolls*)
2.) Your husband deserves better
3.) You obviously have a mental illness (I am NOT downplaying that)
4.) You are consumed with yourself
Those thoughts are just to name a few I can put into words. What I felt in that moment cannot be described. I can easily name it “scumbag”
Hold that thought.
“Your grace is enough, more than I need. At Your Word, I will believe. I wait for You. Draw me near again. Let Your Spirit make me new. I will fall at Your feet and I will worship You here.” -Hillsong, This is Our God
The song goes on to singing about how Jesus is both Servant and King.
I want DESPERATELY to react like Jesus calls me to. I guess some may think that is “gold star” behavior. Perfection. (that is a whole other entry) I am not looking to be “behavior fixed” I am looking to desire to serve despite how I feel or how my circumstances may look. Now obviously, if I had a heart to serve (which I do when I feel like it, those around me tend to get the “better” me)
His grace is sufficient. More than enough. After I got over myself for the second time, I felt like He spoke to me and said what I desire, I can start NOW. In the middle of my frazzled mess, it wasnt to late to wash my face, rise, and start over. I didn’t have to wait until I “felt” better. I was able to see His grace IN my mess and seek servanthood in the character of who He is.
This isnt deeply spiritual. This is pretty basic foundations that I have to revisit over and over again. But, every step, is beautifully broken and redeemed by the One who calls me by name.
He is enough.